Copyright © 2023 ByHeart Coaching. All rights reserved
By Heart Blog
'Rear mirror' view
How to stop driving ahead based on what you can see in your 'rear mirror'
Are you trying to think ahead by looking behind?
We can inadvertently trip ourselves up, or short-change ourselves, by 'driving ahead with our eyes glued to the rearview mirror'.
Let me illustrate that metaphor with a real-life example:
I was recently working with a client who had commissioned me to help her weather the upheaval of finishing a three-year relationship that she wanted to leave behind.

She found the strength to call an end to the relationship, even though it felt unsettling. It was during our third session that she described her plan to avoid making contact with her ex for the next 30 days.

Up to a point, this intention made sense, in terms of her making a clean break of it, going cold turkey on contact that had become familiar.

The drawback of this plan was not immediately apparent to her, and yet it would set her up to keep in her sights what she was trying to leave behind. In a week's time, she would potentially be saying to herself "I've done well, I haven't spoken to him for seven days".

Her week ahead will have become defined by what did or did not happen with her ex. That's like someone trying to quit smoking filling their days with checking whether they have managed to stay away from a cigarette.
I suggested that she could re-cast the next 30 days in terms of the life she was seeking to usher in for herself, where she would be enjoying her growing autonomy on her own terms.

We agreed that she would keep a different kind of tick-it-off calendar: she was to choose a treat for herself for each of the next 30 days, so that she had something positive and uplifting to look forward to and make real each day.

SPACIOUS SPACING for bullet points

  • #1

  • #2

  • #3

  • #4

  • #5

  • #6

  • #7

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

  1. You recognise the opportunity after the event. D'oh! This is the warm-up phase. Every time you recognise an opportunity in retrospect, congratulate yourself, because you're getting better at spotting them.

  2. You stop yourself mid-sentence, because you're just heard yourself turning down something wonderful / helpful.

  3. You hear yourself *about* to turn down something helpful / wonderful, and replace what you were about to say with your new default welcome: 'Yes, thank you'.

  4. You start to see opportunities coming (rather than once they begin to slip away) and are ready to embrace them.

  5. The new default has taken root, and it's now normal for you to embrace kindness and generosity flowing towards you. You genuinely enjoy and appreciate it as the regular way that things happen in your world.
Three stages of changing a habit
(I've included a pre- and a post- state, totalling five stages in all)

In writing this, I am thinking of you, reading these words.
May the future bestow wonderful surprises on you at regular intervals.
Play me a fantasy
Play me a fantasy.
What is yours?

Is it to:
'Speak in front of a gathering
and receive applause' - Imagine it.

'Have a mentor guide my first tentative steps
into a new endeavour' - Wish for it.

'Tell a secret I've been harbouring
so it's no longer a burden' - Hear your wish,
and permit it to be possible.

If you give either of these a go, I'd love to hear how it goes for you.
If you like the sound of using your imagination to tap into your greater potental, I'd be happy to help.
P.S. I will describe the 'Stepping out to get a larger view' manoeuvre in another post soon, and will add a link as soon as this is live.
Photo by Sophia Baboolal on Unsplash
The future is for you to make
Your future is uncharted.

More than that, your future cannot be chartered. It is too fluid for that - more like the sea than the dry land.

Your future is not determined by your past, or some pre-scripted destiny.

It is for you to make.

Your contribution matters.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Margarita Steinberg

I am a Leadership Coach with a specialism in Psychosynthesis psychology. I am the founder of ByHeart Coaching, and this blog grows out of my coaching work. I am also a qualified and experienced teacher, and draw on training in counselling skills.

I work with individuals and couples, as private clients; I also work with organisations through running leadership coaching programmes and group workshops.

A chapter on my innovative learning format using embodied learning appears in the book 'Disrupting traditional pedagogy: Active Learning in Practice' published by University of Sussex Press in June 2019.

In preparation: my first book 'One step at a time: how to thrive in a dynamic world'

Find out more about my work
Quick links
Suggested related blog posts
Check out some of my other blog posts
Show more
ByHeart blog
I write about my clients' stories, about coaching and psychology, current events and the human condition
Subscribe to our mailing list to receive alerts about upcoming blog posts, offers and events
ByHeart Blog
I write about my clients' stories, about coaching and psychology, current events and the human condition
Subscribe to our mailing list to receive alerts about upcoming blog posts, offers and events
Error get alias
Error get alias
Error get alias