Interview
with Margarita
To see the beauty and power within each of you
and reflect these back to you, so that you can
reclaim your power and re-discover your beauty
Interview
with Margarita
To see the beauty and power within each of you
and reflect these back to you, so that you can
reclaim your power and re-discover your beauty
Interview
with Margarita
To see the beauty and power within each of you
and reflect these back to you, so that you can
reclaim your power and re-discover your beauty
How long have you been doing what you do and how did you become a relationships coach?
To answer this question, it's probably best that I share with you some defining moments along the path that has brought me to where I am today, coaching people like you on exactly what to do to overcome the snags in your relationship.

I spent my childhood in a family that was falling apart, so I know how the tensions seep into every hour of every day, and how you end up walking on eggshells around each other.

Looking back, that cloud over my childhood had a 'silver lining' – even though it would take decades for that silver lining to show up. When I became a teacher in my late 30s, I realised that my having to learn skills for relating later in life meant that I can teach them to others more readily – I know first-hand where the difficulties lie.

When my son was born, I was determined to create something different and better for him. I was determined to climb out of the groove that I had inherited, the patterns that keep us trapped in the same kinds of misery over and over.

It took a lot of doing. I read about psychology and feminism, I attended counselling; I dared myself to do things that felt scary. It took courage, and it took time.

I had to walk away from a miserable relationship, knowing that there was a chance that I might never meet a playmate and companion I could truly be intimate with.

I got into dancing, and eventually teaching, Argentine Tango. Unexpectedly, that turned out to be a great platform for learning about trust, the hallmark of intimacy – how to trust myself, how to build trust with another, what it takes and the strategies that support us when we're feeling vulnerable.

I did internet dating, and learnt a bunch more about the challenges of getting to know new people and the vulnerabilities that come along with that.

I am happy to tell you that all that work paid off. One day I found myself smiling at a wonderful man across the table from me and receiving his smile in return. We danced Tango, and we took time to get to know each other.

Even better than us becoming an item is the fact that this wasn't a flash-in-the-pan romance. We recently celebrated five years together, and we are still romantic about each other.

I wish I could send a 'message in a bottle' back to that 'me as a young woman', determined to climb out of the groove that had trapped her adults when she was a child. I would like her to see me today. I have the love and support of a wonderful man, who has been a blessing to every aspect of my life.

I would also like her to know that the day came when all those hard-won realisations, all the learning, came together for another purpose, beyond just saving me. They have become the bedrock for my work to help couples who are struggling to stay together, through all the challenges that a long-term partnership inevitably brings.
The defining moment that steered me towards working with couples came when a rock star of my acquaintance phoned me up and said "Help, my marriage is in trouble."

I did not expect to find myself coaching couples. This work came to find me. The first few people who came asking me to help them with their relationship were in crisis, and when I asked them why they were coming to me – I didn't yet feel I had specific expertise in that area - they said "I need to talk to someone, and I trust you".

I repeat, I had not expected to get into this line of work. If anything, the thought of wading in to engender harmony for couples who are at loggerheads sounded scary. This is the territory 'where angels fear to tread'. One day I realised that it brought up memories of being the child I had been, feeling helpless at all the hurtful things that my adults were hurtling at each other, helpless to stop the misery, to persuade them to be kinder to themselves and each other, and then to the rest of the family. Back then, I could see their pain, but I didn't know how to help.

Gathering my best to guide the specific people who had asked for my help, I found out that 'my current best' was pretty good. The testimonials I got from them blew me away. One person said that working with me was more effective in helping him create a new life and feel differently about himself than all the therapies he had tried.

Helping a family to stay together is pretty compelling stuff. It fires me up to know that that treasure-trove of wisdom I had gathered, piece by piece, through personal struggles, is now serving to bring peace and kindness and thriving to other families, too.

Getting beyond the nightmares we inherit is a tough task, near-impossible alone, and that takes a lot even if you do have help. Yet it is so worthwhile, for the sake of your long-term thriving, for the peace of your family, for the smiles of your children, your larger family and the friends you share, that I am here to say: It might be tough but it definitely is not impossible, even if right now it feels like it would take a miracle.

If your relationship is straining and you're ready to try something new, what I do might just be the miracle you're waiting for, and if so, it would be my honour to help.
Who are your clients and what would you expect of me?
I work with people just like you who are experiencing strains and tensions in their personal relationships, and who need support to resolve the resulting conflicts.

These are people who are

  • determined to discover what has been pulling their partnership off-course and do their utmost to bring a new vitality to it

  • willing to keep an open mind and get to know their partner better than perhaps ever before (the foundation of true intimacy)

  • ready to try something new and learn new relating skills and approaches

I have worked with couples who were concerned about an impending break-up of their marriage and family, whose partnership was compromised by issues around anger, fidelity, low self-confidence and self-esteem, and more.

My clients often express surprise at feeling like they're discovering their partner anew, like they're falling in love all over again.

What's more, the coaching work also frequently helps my clients in other areas of life. People routinely find themselves performing more effectively at work, getting more done. One client, Jared, experienced a significant boost in his career, and attributes this directly to the coaching work with me.
Who are your programmes NOT going to work for?
Please know that I'm very careful in choosing who I work with. I believe this serves the best interests of everyone. I see it as part of my responsibility to (gently) turn away people who aren't suited for my programmes and who won't get the results for which they would have signed up for (it wouldn't be fair to them.) The ByHeart Relationship Repair programmes are NOT for those who expect miracles without putting in the work.

This is why I won't work with (without exception) people who refuse to allow the possibility of new discoveries that could shed a new light on their situation with their partner.

Sometimes people are more devoted to protecting their views and opinions than they are committed to their partner; sometimes the lack of interest in new discoveries is a sign that the person has both their feet pointing out the door, in which case coaching is unlikely to help.
What if my situation around relationships is somewhat different?
I have worked with clients in a wide variety of situations:

  • singletons who were seeking a new relationship who needed to boost their confidence and were concerned to avoid the patterns they'd experienced before

  • people who needed support to exit an unsatisfying relationship and find their strength to be alone, before seeking a new relationship for the future they wished for themselves

  • people who kept getting involved in compromised liaisons which could not bring them satisfaction and harmony, who wanted to create a new self-image which would be compatible with a future relationship that would honour them fully

What my current and former clients have found hugely helpful is that I bring an extremely fresh perspective to their relating process and self-view, and guide them to apply resources they'd never heard of. Because of this, they can overcome their fears and negative expectations and are the ones who start creating rapport and harmony.
What exactly is the ByHeart Intimacy for Couples Programme™ and what does it include?
The programme is a structure for working with you both face-to-face, which is flexible enough to allow us to work on EXACTLY the obstacles you want to overcome and the excitement and joy you want to bring in.

Below is an overview of the programme structure:
Phase 1. Resolve conflicts (3 - 4 sessions) ▼
This phase consists of two stages:

  1. Individual session with each of you separatelyI will meet with each of you separately, to understand your specific perspective on what's been happening and to confirm that you both are genuinely willing to re-build your relationship.With each of you, I will watch, listen to what you are saying, to the echoes and implications of what you are saying. I will also listen out for what you may not be putting into words, to help me gain a deeper understanding of what you are saying. These two initial meetings (one with each of you) allow us to build rapport and trust. This trust will allow us to tackle thorny issues together later with greater comfort.

  2. Joint appointments focused on break-out sessionsDuring this phase, I discuss with each of you in turn topics that have been causing friction between you, and help you untangle what got these so complicated. I will guide these individual explorations, with the other partner getting the benefit of observing the process and hearing the disclosures, without being put on the spot to provide a response. At the end of each break-out session, we bring together the experience of the person in the 'hot seat' and their partner's experience witnessing the process. This will begin to create a deeper intimacy, as you allow each other to experience what has been hidden, or overlooked, before. I have found that people frequently learn about each other's inner lives during these conversations at a depth that they had never achieved before.

Results of Phase 1

  1. Each of you feel fully heard and understood

  2. You are clear on what has been causing tensions and flare-ups

  3. You have found resolution for at least some of the hottest conflicts

  4. You have a greater sense of a joint adventure of discovery, and a more optimistic outlook on what lies ahead
Phase 2. Foster a conversation (2 - 3 sessions) ▼
This phase lays the foundations for the creation of your new relaxed, mutually supportive, playful and enjoyable relationship:

  1. Integrate the conversationIn this phase, we will continue using the break-out session pattern, with the difference that the 'witnessing' partner is increasingly actively involved in the discussion. By this stage, you will have the benefit of having learnt from the earlier sessions. Your new conversations will already be based on the insights you've gained in Phase 1.

  2. Enhance your relating skillsWe will establish your individual level of relating skills and design a programme to help each of you expand your relating vocabulary. This will ensure that your interactions at home and at play will benefit from your newly enhanced skills and avoid the pitfalls that previously caused tensions.

Results of Phase 2

  1. You feel heard and understood by your partner

  2. You are able to give your partner the experience of feeling heard and understood

  3. You trust that difficult disclosures will be received in a supportive manner, and feel excited at the growing sense of intimacy between you
Phase 3. Create more joy (3 - 4 sessions) ▼
Phase 2 has helped you feel more in touch with each other. Now is the time to build even more positive feelings and help you embrace practices that create excitement and enjoyment, for yourself and for your partner, for today and for the future.

  1. Boost the fun elementI design for you a tailored programme of specific tasks that you undertake, together and as individuals, between the coaching sessions. The aim of this programme is to inject pockets of fun and playfulness, and bolster your overall sense of building an enjoyable partnership.

  2. Cherish the attractionWe explore to re-discover what initially attracted you to each other, and what you find particularly appealing and important now. You will experience being able to express cherishing and to be feel cherished, in ways that will re-capture the excitement of your early romance, and create new layers of intimacy.
Does this really work?
Yes! This approach to revitalising your relationship, over time and with your dedication, works consistently to create a deeper intimacy and commitment.
(See Client Testimonials)
Can I contact some of your former clients to see what it's like to work with you?
Yes, that's definitely a possibility.

Please mention that you'd like to do this in the contact form when you get in touch.

Obviously, I will need to contact my ex-clients to ask permission to share their details with you.

Similarly, if we should work together, I may ask the same favour of you, so that others can receive the reassurance of hearing about your experience.
What results can I expect?
You can expect to:

  1. Get support to affirm your commitment to each other, make sure your goals are aligned and commit to create a renewed intimacy together

  2. Discover the deeper causes of conflict, resolve tensions and get to know each other at a deeper level than ever before

  3. Learn simple techniques for building rapport that help you create the magical life together that you dreamed of when you first met
How quickly can I expect results?
Obviously, this depends on how long the conflict in your relationship has been building up and how much you put into the assignments that we give you.

That said, virtually all clients see results within the first few weeks in the form of new revelations, new levels of intimacy, a change in the 'climate' between you towards mutually supportive, an increase in rapport and trust, an overall sense of relaxation and an atmosphere of optimism for the future.
How can I do my part in seeing my relationship restored, in record time?
Do all of your assignments. Give priority to paying attention to your relationship, reflecting how important it is to you.

Keep the door open to discovering new aspects to the situation, both within yourself, in your partner, and in your wider context. Be as honest and courageous during the sessions and in the ensuing conversations with your partner as you can (you will be supported in this, so you won't be alone in tackling the hard stuff).

Understand that it's not a "quick fix", it's not magic (although the process might feel miraculous at times) and it takes time for you to plant all the seeds and for those seeds to grow into the fruit that you can enjoy.
Will my investment in this coaching programme be worth it for me?
Only you can really answer that question for you.

The clients who have re-created a marriage and a family with my help, the answer was 'Yes, it was worth every minute!'

I want you to stop reading for just one moment to ask yourself:

"What is keeping this relationship worth to me, and what would be the cost (not to mention the distress and upheaval) of a break-up ?"

Chances are, that amount will more than justify your investment in coaching.
What if I feel this might be right for me, but I still have a couple of additional questions. Can I call you?
I appreciate that this is a sensitive matter for you, and that it's fitting for you to make sure that everything feels right before you sign up for any of my programmes.

Yes, absolutely, if you have a couple of questions, just

➤ email byheart.coaching@gmail.com
or
➤ arrange an informal chat with me using my scheduling link

and I'll be happy to walk you through the different options, to see which one will be the very best for you.

I can't wait to see you succeed and am honoured to be the one to help you. Let's get going!
© 2019 ByHeart Coaching. All rights reserved.
ByHeart Coaching
Margarita Steinberg
Brighton, East Sussex
United Kingdom

+44(0)7717315078 byheart.coaching@gmail.com